[av_one_full first min_height=” vertical_alignment=” space=” custom_margin=” margin=’0px’ padding=’0px’ border=” border_color=” radius=’0px’ background_color=” src=” background_position=’top left’ background_repeat=’no-repeat’ animation=”]
[av_textblock size=” font_color=” color=”]
‘I don’t know what to say’
We will all experience occasions when someone we care about deeply is seriously ill, mourning someone who has died or suffering in another way. Our natural response is often to want to spend time with them. However, this can immediately raise the issue of what we should say.
I asked some of the experienced members of our Pastoral Care and Visiting Group if they had any advice for when we find ourselves in these situations. They stressed that we should focus on the needs of the person we are speaking to and try to meet them where they are. They suggested giving them space to talk about how they felt but also being ready to talk about other things, such as shared memories, if that is a possibility. They advised that it can be unhelpful to tell someone that we know exactly how they feel, as we never do because everyone is unique.
Being sensitive to the person’s faith (or lack of it) is important. Telling a Christian that God is with them and will be with them can bring great comfort, because through the life and death of Jesus we know that God truly understands what it is to be fully human and to suffer. But such reassurance would be inappropriate to someone of another faith and may be meaningless or worse to someone with no faith at all.
Sometimes it is enough, or even better, to spend time with someone, without feeling that we have to say anything. In the Old Testament, Job faces great suffering. The reaction of his friends is described in Chapter 2, verse 13:
‘They sat with him on the ground for seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.’
This emphasises how solidarity, support, acceptance and love can be of immense value.
If you have experience of people saying things that were helpful in times of difficulty, we would like it very much if you could send them to me or the BCN Editor, Katharine Perera, Katharine@bowdonchurch.org.
Catherine Cleghorn, Ordinand,
Catherine@bowdonchurch.org
[/av_textblock]
[/av_one_full]